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Posting to rec.humor.funny
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The other day, a friend brought to my attention an article describing a computer games company that has decided to start targeting girls as a market for new games. My friend thought it was a wonderful step forward... finally they are acknowledging that girls might like using computers, too. Me... I look at the effect that the video games have on boys, and I kind of think encouraging girls to play more video games is sort of like Virginia Slims advertising "You've come a long way, baby" (welcome to Cancer Country). Anyway, I started thinking what kinds of games are likely to be marketed, especially in light of the current "family values" mood of the country. I can see the catalogue now:
  • She-Girl and the Mothers of the Universe
    Can they restore cleanliness and order to a universe governed by the laws of thermodynamics???
  • Barbie's World
    Red magazines portray out-of-style fashions and chase Barbie; green magazines portray in-style fashions and evade Barbie; goal is to catch the green magazines (Barbie will don their styles) and avoid being killed by the red ones. 500 extra points if Ken is on the screen when Barbie gets a new outfit. A new theme Barbie pops up after every 10,000 points.
  • Baby Avenger
    You are an anti-abortion activist. Your mission: to walk around in front of an abortion clinic, 5 points for every patient that is blocked from entering; 50 points for pushing a patient to the other side of the street; 500 points for shooting down a doctor or 300 points for a staff member.
  • Zap the Sperm
    (Does this need any further explanation?)
  • Ball Busters
    Bubbles float around the screen. You must chase after them and pop them, but always make sure that there are more bubbles still on the screen. You have a bubble wand in one hand and catch bubbles with the other. (Shame on you for what you were expecting this game to be about!)
  • Mall Busters
    Roam a mall, trying to grab cheap items before they increase in price. Start with $1000. You get extra dollars every time you get an item on sale (prices keep changing). You pay only when you touch an item not on sale. 5 bonus dollars for every mile you walk in the mall(regardless of retracing steps). The mall changes after every $50000.
  • Contra Septicon
    You are a lush model/secret agent (the kind they draw on pinball machines or that show up in James Bond movies) on a mission to thwart a feminist plot to distribute condoms to kindergarten students. 5 points for every condom confiscated, 100 points for successfully destroying a shipment of condoms, 300 points for successfully wrestling a feminist and making her destroy a condom shipment. Lose 100 points if hair gets messed up in a karate maneuver.
  • Kitty Kong
    My Little Kitty climbs floating pieces of furniture and drapes, chasing after hair ribbons, jewelry and pencils. No particular point to the game except to admire the pretty things. Oh yes. you get 100 points if something really pretty comes up or the kitty does something really cute while your best friend is in the room. 1000 points if you own the My Little Kitty product that shows up on the screen, and 10000 points if this happens when any friend is in the room.
  • Cooky-Cook
    Food and cooking utensils fly around...you must catch them and put them on the stove. 500 points if there are at least three full pots on the stove when husband appears on screen. 50 points if you can hit the rat with a pan. You're out if you spill or burn anything!
  • Sock Saviour
    You are in the turbulent suds of a washing machine. Socks drift in and out of the waves. You must catch them before they are sucked into the abyss (as we all know they often are).
  • Math-Attack
    Who said you need to know math? Hate those equations? Zap 'em! Algebra equations go floating around the screen. You shoot them. Successful attack makes an equation disappear or turn into a flower or butterfly. Points earned are inversely proportional to the number of characters in the equation. Of course, since you can't understand math, you don't understand what that means, and you'll never know if we're scoring correctly, but who cares?
  • Pack-Woman
    Walk around the house trying to get all the things that need to be packed for vacation. 5 points for each step you take without retracing your path, 10 points for each pair of underwear you catch, 50 points for getting the toothbrushes and 500 points for the insect repellent. You're killed if you bump into one of the kids, as they try to pull stuff out of the suitcase.
  • Break-in
    Puppies, babies and kittens bound around the screen, leaving little gifts. 50 points for toilet-training each puppy, 100 points for each baby and 5 points for each kitten. You're out if you step in the poop.
    • Any computer-games-company agents out there looking for cool new games for a virgin market??? Send credit card numbers to dcohen@cs.pitt.edu.

    Let me shut up before someone actually decides to develop some of these. I hope I haven't set girls back to the level of boys! 

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